NEW YORK YANKEES TOP TEN
Top Ten Signs
the New York Yankees are Getting Arrogant
10. Visiting team automatically given six run head start.
9. Most Yankees leave at the top of the 8th to beat traffic.
8. Infielders always tripping over their lawn chairs.
7. Team's stated goal is to "Go out there and give 41%."
6. Coaches give most of their hand signals to the beer vendors.
5. Have been using team practice to rehearse their World Series victory hug.
4. On odd days, Derek Jeter volunteers with the Mets.
3. New promotion: "Get a Refund Plus $10,000 If the Yankees Lose Day".
2. Tickets now read: "Game starts at 7:30 -- Game ends when the Yankees finish whoopin' ass."
1. Sometimes they let an American guy pitch.
Top Ten Ways The Yankees Can Top Their
10. Become the first team to win World Series without using mitts
9. Champagne-drenched celebrations after every out
8. "In this corner, Mike Tyson. In that corner, the 1998 New York Yankees"
7. Let me, Dave, pitch
6. Send Steinbrenner on a homemade raft to Cuba
5. Goodbye Tino Martinez -- hello Tito Jackson
4. Parachute into Iraq and sort that whole mess out
3. Derek Jeter appearing at tomorrow's victory parade naked
2. David Wells appearing at tomorrow's victory parade sober
1. Maybe, just maybe, have Knoblauch work on his fielding
Top Ten Ways
New Yorkers are Celebrating The Yankees' World Series Victory
10. Loan sharks collecting debts with autographed Bernie Williams baseball
9. Street vendors boiling their hot dogs in tobacco juice
8. Statue of Liberty replaced with gigantic lifesize statue of Cecil Fielder
7. All chalk body outlines drawn in catcher's squatting position
6. Sports bars serving beer in cups worn by actual Yankees
5. Mob corpses in East River are now wearing those foam rubber "We're #1!" fingers
4. Mayor Giuliani shaving "Yankees Rule!" into his combover
3. Cast of "CATS" ending every show by scratching themselves
2. Two words: Pinstriped hookers
1. Smokin', drinkin', and fightin'
Top Ten New York Yankees Excuses
10. "The Angels have developed a secret pitch that curves"
9. "Players left logy by clubhouse paella"
8. "Aren't used to rat-free outfield"
7. "Average player age is 52"
6. "Didn't know if they were playing California Angels, Anaheim Angels, or Los Angeles Angels of
5. "Acid reflux"
4. "How are you supposed to field a competitive team on $200 million?"
3. "Due to typo in latest memo, Steinbrenner demanded players give 10%"
2. "Giambi lost his lucky syringe"
1. "Who can concentrate on Baseball when Hockey is back?"
Top Ten Excuses Of The Gun-Toting Yankees
10. "You expect me to sit in the bleachers without a gun?"
9. "$6.50 a beer? Who's sticking up whom?"
8. "I was hoping Derek Jeter would autograph my silencer"
7. "How do you think I got the ball from the guy who caught it?"
6. "In the Bronx, Memorial Day is the start of rat-hunting season"
5. "You never know when you're going to run into a member of the Nepalese royal family"
4. "Oh, the commercials said I should bring my son to the game!"
3. "My job is to shoot fans who attempt to rebroadcast accounts and descriptions of the game without
the express written consent of Major League Baseball"
2. "If Mayor Giuliani and Donna Hanover ever show up, someone's gotta keep the peace"
1. "I'm holding this for Robert Blake"
Top Ten Reasons I, Hideki Matsui, Signed With The New York Yankees
10. Tokyo was fine, but I'm more of a big city guy
9. I want to see "Cats" at least once before it closes
8. I fell in love with a woman from Manhattan who I thought was a rich socialite but it turns out
she's a maid
7. Yankee Stadium -- nachos don't come any cheesier
6. Jeter said he'd hook me up
5. On days off, I can hang by TRL's Times Square studio
4. Every Japanese child knows the legend of Jorge Posada
3. In New York, there's no pressure to speak English
2. I wanted to meet Regis
1. Dude, this city never sleeps!
Top Ten Things The Yankees Have
Always Wanted To Say
Take off the Yankee hat, Hillary.
(Catcher Jim Leyritz)
You haven't lived until you've scratched yourself in front of 20 million viewers.
(Pitcher Jeff Nelson)
You know how you have to give 100%? When you play the Marlins, you gotta give 40 or 50%.
(Infielder Clay Bellinger)
Late Show audiences are the best in the world.
(Pitcher Jason Grimsley)
We didn't win because of our pitching or hitting, we won because of our fans!
(Pitcher Jason Grimsley)
I really like saying things I don't mean to get cheap applause.
(Pitcher Jason Grimsley)
Man oh man do I love betting on baseball.
(Pitching coach Mel Stottlemeyer)
I don't play for the money, I play because I like having guys pat me on my ass.
(Pitcher Roger Clemens)
Chicks dig me.
(Shortstop Derek Jeter--actually, building engineer George Clarke)
I was rooting for the Braves.
(Manager Joe Torre)
Top Ten New York Yankees Strategies For Winning the World Series presented by Gary Sheffield
10. Blind opponents with light reflected off Jeter's World Series rings.
9. Thanks to some scientist friends of mine over at Cal Tech, Mickey Mantle will be playing centerfield.
8. We added a home run-hitting kangaroo and there ain't a thing anyone can do about it.
7. Replace opponents' bats with hilarious novelty exploding bats.
6. Never swing at the first pitch and always hit the cutoff man or some crap like that.
5. Can't think of a number 5 so check out these pythons, ladies.
4. Here's a secret I used when I won the World Series with Florida in '97--in the postseason, give
3. Hideki Matsui taught us some crazy Kung Fu.
2. Convince Mr. Steinbrenner to spend a little money on this team for once.
1. Hit a home run and Oprah buys you a new car
Top Ten Reasons
I, Jason Giambi, Want To Play For The New York Yankees
10. "I want to help the team fight embarrassment of not winning world
championship in 14 months"
9. "When you say, 'David Wells sent me,' you get half-price drinks at Hooters"
8. "Pinstripes are slimming"
7. "After Chuck Knoblauch, people will think I have a great arm"
6. "I hear Steinbrenner is a dream to work for"
5. "Miss Cleo told me to"
4. "Diving into the stands for a foul ball and 'accidentally' landing on Donald Trump's date"
3. "Have you ever been to Oakland?"
2. "In New York I'm closer to my favorite talk-show host -- Regis"
1. "After the game, cruising bars with Giuliani and picking fights"
Top Ten New Yankee Slogans
10. We're crushing the competition -- and the fans.
9. If the flying debris doesn't kill you, the subway will.
8. It's still safer than being a soccer fan.
7. Our stadium's not as cold as the cheese on our nachos.'
6. 'Cause it's one! Two! Three tons of falling concrete!
5. The team itself won't start collapsing until September!
4. Come to the house that shoddy contractors built!
3. Yankee Stadium -- where every day is helmet day.
2. Yankees, Yankees, Yankees. They win all the games. Yankees, Yankees, Yankees. Yankees, Yankees,
1. Heads up!
Top Ten Things Babe Ruth Would Say If
He Were Alive Today
10. "You call this a baseball team? Where are all the fat guys?"
9. "Yo quiero Taco Bell!"
8. "All right, who's the son-of-a-bitch who named a candy bar after me?"
7. "All right, who's the son-of-a-bitch who named a talking pig after me?"
6. "Hell, if that's the case, I would have been impeached from the Yankees 500 times."
5. "I won't play unless I'm paid one hundred thousand dollars a year!"
4. "I can't believe all these naked photos of me on the internet."
3. "I've just come back from the dead--so can't Denny's give me a free meal?"
2. "Yeah, I'd like to see McGwire hit 60 home runs drunk off his ass!"
1. "Steinbrenner sucks."
Top Ten Things
Don Zimmer Said After Being Hit In The Head By a Baseball
10. "What am I doing at a baseball game? I'm a ballerina"
9. "I like bunnies"
8. "I think Hillary Clinton would make a fine New York senator"
7. "I like bunnies; did I say that already?"
6. "At least it got that damn 'Mambo #5' song out of my head..."
5. "I see dead people!"
4. "That Yogi Berra makes a lot of sense"
3. "Torre, you bum, put in Babe Ruth!"
2. "Someone tell Mariah that Derek Jeter's all mine"
1. "Go Mets!"
Top Ten Good
Things About Being A New York Yankee presented by George Steinbrenner
10. "With the player discount, a hot dog at Yankee Stadium is now only
9. "Your bobble-head doll is a legal form of identification in New York State"
8. "With me there's very little pressure to win"
7. "Hideki Matsui can teach you to sing in Japanese"
6. "After every game, Yogi Berra gives you a complimentary foot massage"
5. "Our spring training facility is near a Hooters"
4. "Take it from the guy signing the checks -- some of the players do OK for themselves"
3. "Pinstripes make your butt look slimmer"
2. "You get to meet all of Derek Jeter's girlfriends"
1. "You think this A-Rod deal is good? We're about to sign TY Cobb"
Top Ten Good Things
About Playing Baseball in New York
10. If a ball gets hit out of the ballpark and breaks a car window, hey it's just another
busted car window
—Right Fielder - Danny Tartabull
9. Free bus fumes while you work out
—Center Fielder - Bernie Williams
8. Opposing players in a state of shock after a cab ride to the stadium
Baseman - Pat Kelly
7. Vendors selling corked hot dogs
—Catcher - Mike Stanley
6. New York has the nation's most affordable bail bondsmen
—Pitcher - Steve
5. Plenty of spit for spitballs
—First Baseman - Don Mattingly
4. After the game, if you don't take a shower, everyone just assumes it's the city
—Third Baseman - Wade Boggs
3. The greatest fans in the world always shouting, 'Mets suck!'
- Luis Polonia
2. Knowing that if we ever got to the 7th game of the World Series, that with one phone
call, we could get the opposing pitcher whacked
—Manager - Buck Showalter
1. Two words: Rat Night
—Shortstop - Tony Fernandez
BASEBALL TOP TEN
Top Ten Signs New York Has Baseball Fever
10. 98% of New Yorkers walking around carrying bats -- up from usual 94%
9. Teams are doing so well Hillary Clinton split on whom to pretend to root for
8. Inscription on Statue of Liberty reads "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, and
we'll beat them in a best-of-seven series"
7. Sirens on ambulances play "We Will Rock You"
6. Mayor Giuliani using "baseball fever" as excuse to spray city with toxic chemicals
5. More school absence notes mentioning "torn rotator cuff"
4. Crazy guys in subway adding infield chatter to usual rantings
3. New Trump Tower built in the shape of Mike Piazza's well-manicured mustache
2. Hookers offering baseball special: for $100 they'll be the Yanker and you can be the Yankee
1. Upsurge in newborns named "Knoblauch"
Top Ten Things
Baseball Has Taught Me presented by Roger Clemens
10. "I look sweet in tight pants"
9. "If you work hard enough you can be successful -- oh yeah, and it helps to have 8 all-stars on
the field behind you"
8. "There's not a damn thing to do in Milwaukee"
7. "During a tense game I can eat 2 or 3 rosin bags"
6. "You can melt an umpire's gruff exterior with a simple hug"
5. "For Barry Bonds to be performing at this level at the age of 65 is truly remarkable"
4. "The best practical joke? Tell a teammate they're traded to the Devil Rays"
3. "It doesn't matter if you win or lose...well, it didn't when I was on the Red Sox"
2. "Good nickname: Rocket. Bad nickname: Lard-Ass"
1. "Adjusting your cup doesn't do anything...just makes you feel good"
Top Ten Signs You're
Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
10. You recognize batter as the kid who just sold you a hot dog
9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip
8. They keep shouting "do over!"
7. When umpire yells, "strike three," batter looks at him as if the dude's speakin' French
6. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals
5. First base: Siskel. Second Base: Ebert.
4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "dinner time!"
3. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups
2. You overhear the coach yelling, "run Forrest, run!"
1. They play like the Mets
Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig
10. Only guy in Milwaukee who's never had a beer
9. Just told Martha Stewart to unload her Montreal Expos stock
8. Went to Las Vegas a couple days ago and put 10 grand on "tie"
7. Eats rosin bags like they're peanuts
6. Won't stop sending flowers to Mike Piazza
5. Has actually sat through a Tampa Bay Devil Rays game
4. His nude seventh inning stretches were sort of funny the first couple of times
3. Refuses to recognize Ted Williams as top cryogenically-frozen ball player of all time
2. Wife keeps complaining about "contraction," if you know what I mean
1. Throws like a girl
Top Ten Good Things About A Baseball Strike
10. Players can spend more quality time with their performance-enhancing drugs
9. Plenty of stadium parking available
8. Will be spared the gruesome sight of Mo Vaughn adjusting his cup
7. Yankee Stadium becomes affordable place for weddings and bar mitzvahs
6. World Series of Poker would finally get the attention it deserves
5. Fun to think, with each passing day Alex Rodriguez is out another 85 grand
4. Have you seen the Devil Rays?
3. Exhausted, overworked baseball players deserve a long rest
2. Fewer drunken New Yorkers riding the D-train
1. Gives Mike Piazza a chance to catch up on all the Broadway theater he's missed
Top Ten Things A Manager Doesn't Want To Hear On Opening Day
10. "Okay -- who kicks off?"
9. "Is it okay if I leave after the 6th inning to beat the traffic?"
8. "Their pitcher is cheating -- he's throwing a ball that curves"
7. "Any chance I could get traded to a city with a more active musical theater scene?"
6. "The bad news: we had to trade Jeter, Williams and Rivera. The good news: we still have Knoblauch"
5. "The game will have to wait -- I can't put down this new Rosie O'Donnell magazine"
4. "I know the pitcher is morbidly obese, but he's the owner's son"
3. "Bad news, boss -- all 30 of us just got called for jury duty"
2. "The new uniforms are in, and let's just say there's lots of lace"
1. "Check out the Diamondvision: the mascot's nailing your wife"
Top Ten New York Mets Promises For Next
10. "We'll win more games than the New York Jets -- and that's a promise"
9. "2-for-1 tickets for shirtless father and son lunatics"
8. "Players will no longer leave in the 6th inning to beat the traffic"
7. "Bobblehead dolls will have 15% more bobble"
6. "You think Jeter's got a nice ass? Wait'll you get a load of mine next year"
5. "We're opening a second men's room"
4. "Good news -- we just signed Ty Cobb"
3. "Unveiling new secret weapon: Otto the base-stealin' monkey"
2. "Bobby Valentine will lead the New York Mets back to the World Series!" ("What? He got fired?")
1. "Every 100th ticketholder gets to kick Mr. Met in the nuts"
Top Ten Least Popular Baseball Anthems
10. "Take Me Out To The Corporate-Sponsored Megaplex"
9. "Scratch My Groin For The Cameras"
8. "Trade Me Off To Toronto"
7. "Buy Me Some Expensive Counterfeit Sports Memorabilia"
6. "Why's My Girlfriend Kissing Jeter?"
5. "Puffy Shoots, Shoots, Shoots At The Night Club"
4. "My Ass Looks Slimmer In Pinstripes"
3. "Let's Root, Root, Root For The Cubbies, If They Don't Win--Actually, That Won't Be A Big Surprise"
2. "Sex Is Fun At The Ballpark, Buck Naked In The Stands"
1. "For It's One, Two Strikes You're Out 'Cuz The Ump Is A Drunk"
Top Ten Signs
Your Baseball Team Isn't Ready For The Regular Season
10. Your lead-off hitter is 8 months pregnant
9. Every time pitcher throws ball, catcher screams, "Ow!"
8. Outfielders distracted by big fluffy clouds that sometimes look like bunnies
7. Best hitter refuses to work weekends
6. Only time players demonstrate hustle is when they're being chased by undercover vice cops
5. Spirited locker room debates about how many strikes to an out
4. Starters ask to be excused from fielding drills to watch "The View"
3. Most promising rookie recently swallowed a rosin bag
2. Team name contains words "Devil" and "Rays"
1. Nobody can keep his mind on the game with that sexy Derek Jeter running around
Top Ten Other Unconfirmed Rumors About
10. Spends two hours a day on his swing, five hours on his goatee
9. His number 31 is also the number of bat boys he's strangled
8. For every home run he hits, donates $500 to the Taliban
7. Made a fortune working from home placing tiny classifed ads
6. Once secretly married to Liza Minnelli
5. About to be named Squatting Magazine's "Man Of The Year"
4. Will not play on "Sex and the City" night
3. The only thing he loves more than doing the Sunday crossword puzzle is finishing it
2. Real name: Mike Pizza
1. Although not gay, he'd sleep with Derek Jeter in a second
Top Ten Other Highlights of the 1998
10. San Diego Chicken reveals 1-year relationship with Henry Hyde.
9. Opening day, when Bill Clinton threw out the First Lady.
8. David Wells pitches perfect game--goes on 18 day malt liquor bender.
7. Price of Yankee Stadium nachos breaks $20 barrier.
6. Cal Ripken's streak of 40 consecutive games without scratching himself.
5. This: (Video clip of Paul Shaffer throwing like a girl)
4. May 19th in Milwaukee: 1,000,000th fan teases Chipper Jones about his name.
3. Have-Sex-With-An-Oriole Night at Camden Yards.
2. The Yankees giving George Steinbrenner 114 reasons to shut the hell up.
1. Mets actually reach double figures in wins.
And Derek Jeter’s mom’s appearance on Late Night
Top Ten Good Things About Being The Mother Of Someone Famous
5. Derek Jeter's mom, Dot: "Sometimes when they're playing
the Devil Rays, Derek lets me come in for a few innings."